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Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
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2:26 pm - concerning letters against suspension
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It has been brought to my attention that in response to any sent out messages dealing specifically with the suggested talking points concerning the suspension of SJP and individual students like me (who btw are now facing criminal charges -trespassing), are receiving a canned response to these emails. This is natural being they are receiving hundreds of them from around the world. This may either be a thought out excuse to quell further messages or indeed may truly what they believe, either way these must be replied to. Either to reason, or send the message that it isn’t working.
This is something perhaps to aid as a start.
For one the history of SJP’s actions means nothing to those who participated in the sit-in, who where not in SJP (the majority of them I believe were not), and who were unaware of them. I myself was not even here a year ago, had no knowledge of anything done, ever by any one. The logic in the first point assumes that these were the same people, most were not. But we must be careful for this plays into a course of reasoning to lead to say that it is justified to suspend those that did take part in both, this is not true either. No suspensions for this are justified. The zero-tolerance policy was not made public, and when made was made only two days before the event. None of us knew. This was not a warning, this is an excuse to shut out that particular group, and any others who may attempt the same. And then to vilify them as acting underhandedly, sneaking-ly, when they try by other more roundabout ways to do what they should have to full right to do anyway. It was said that this act was symbolic, but you may ask them what this was supposed to symbolize? An appeal was made to the importance of education. But what good is learning when you are made no better as a person for it? What good is protecting learning when the world is made no better for it, but in that preservation made worse? Perpetuated in it’s violence.
This attempts to play on the mindset so common in academia -that things must be done now, dates are set in stone, no late papers, take test at this time -you must complete it in this time!, the grade is final, the system is flawless, the method must be adhered to, the plan must not change. This is not about precedence of education or free speech, this falls back on the inability to compromise, to go beyond their set standards and rigidity of a mindset, that things cannot be changed, tradition must be held. An organism grows in adapting...circumstances change all the time... It is the solid rock that breaks.
Perhaps it was this that was so offensive, for the very thing we were calling for was change, right here and right now. A change in the system, a change in the way we worked, a change to a more socially responsible way of investing and interacting with the world. A change in how we affected it. We were fully aware who could make these changes, and how hard it would be given their distance, that is exactly why such measure was taken. The regents will never hear anything said on Sproul where most rallies are held. They will never hear, not even bother to pay attention until we do something to catch their attention, them and the media, the public, the world. And that’s what we did. So here we are...
To make it clear it was a midterm that was occurring directly outside where we were, something that even more easily could have been done elsewhere, at another place and another time. We would have never stopped anyone from leaving, we simply refused ourselves to leave. Education is not on a fixed schedule but in the hearts and mind of people who receive it, who forge it. When we are subjecting those that choose to rise up and make a conscious change in the world for the better, what are we teaching our students, our society then? If this is about education, what are we teaching them now?
Sit down.
Shut up.
Fall in line.
And die for America.
Don’t change the world, find your place in the system.
You’ll get a good job, that’s all you need.
I’ve already received lessons like that.
...don’t need them.
Somewhere it was said that the mission of the university was to aim towards to betterment of society. A goal long lost, scripture locked in dusty tombs. Extinguished in the explosion of the first nuclear bomb, UCB developed, ...who continued to develop every single nuclear weapon since then.
I realize this is no longer the goal of the university. When every year nuclear research runs millions of dollars over budget, upgrading weapons, working for unmanned bombers to carry these things, unmanned helicopters, etc. etc., No... it’s easy to see... that goal of the university is lost. Now, when we threaten the education they give, we may threaten the only thing to fall back on for any sense of moral integrity. But it wasn’t us that let it go, it was us who were calling to have it back.
This is about Palestine only in a sense, in a sense that it is a symptom. It is one thing of many. A mark of the degeneracy of an institution. A slipping away... a white boat in a clear water, we try to save it, and the clasps are put on, dragged away, hands outreached, still striving. Against the pain holds, against the arms, pulling, the threats spoken, amidst the thunder, you see it... floating in a cold gray river, away.
This is symbolism, but what’s it symbolize?
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2:10 pm
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For all those that may have saw (heh recognized the back of my head in the news) and were wondering why I got arrested last Tuesday (the 9th) this may shed some light on things. It’s not the whole of it, many things in the last two semesters acted as a residual precursor to this. But still I never really knew or felt the full extent of it. I still don’t, but some times you just need enough. I want you to know I not trying to impress anything upon you but rather that you are all people very important to me and I feel I need to share this with you as a part of keeping that level. First a friend of mine sent me something very moving:
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I called the Israeli Consulate yesterday morning to
challenge their policy of attacking the Palestinian
people in my name as a Jew. I spoke quietly with
carefully thought out arguments to the Public Affairs
officer who answered. This man, whose government is
committing a mass killing of the Palestinian in my
name, in the name of Jewish people, hung up the phone
on me almost immediately simply because I would not
agree with what he told me.
I want him to know that because of the actions of his
government that I no longer see Israel as my homeland.
How can I feel comfortable returning to a land that
was won through the devastation of the people. How
can I feel comfortable returning to a land that people
feel so hopeless that they are willing to kill
themselves to try to save their people. Jews all over
the world know what it means to have our people
attacked and killed, and we are well educated in
issues of social justice. We will never be able to
truly believe in Israel as our homeland again after
what this government has done, their propaganda will
only fool us for so long and then with a deep pain
that I have felt we will see through it.
I will tell my children and they will tell their
friends, and as a people our homeland will be lost,
not through the danger of the Palestinians, but
through the violence and hatred of its own government. -
Then I came across this http://www.seruv.org.il/signers/AsafOroneng.asp
which can be found at
http://www.seruv.org.il/defaulteng.asp
And then my roommate shared an article he saw surfing the net, which I could never find but in all it discribed the same exact things as in these:
http://jerusalem.indymedia.org/news/2002/04/7468.php
http://jerusalem.indymedia.org/news/2002/04/9605.php
http://www.btselem.org
I hope by the time you get this the Jerusalem site will be up again...
And today (well a week ago now) I saw this, http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_1937000/1937387.stm
Hundreds were massacred in Jenin under a total media block out, partly by the Israeli gov’t partly by the media’s own compliance. Half a million, possibly a full million protest in Morocco, and it gets 4 lines in the newspaper, protests against the media’s intentions get virtually no coverage if any at all, and those in support of policies they advocate get front page. Like in Seattle we almost have to force them to pay attention, when we thrash windows, destroy, become violent, when we feed their sensationalistic natures give them something to vilify. It makes me sick. They say you only see what you want to see, now it has become worse, now it seems like you only see what they want you do see.
And for what, why? It makes no sense, it makes no goddamned more sense than ramming planes into two buildings. What has this world become?! Down the street I saw all over the place someone put stickers like a tagger but instead of containing counter-cultural beauty, promoted nearly every right wing agenda I knew, from shutting the borders, to anti-vegetarianism. Everywhere by him was posted “No MEChA” (Movimiento Estudiantil Chicano de Aztlan) following shortly after a racist article attacking them was run by the CalPatriot, a super-conservative student paper.
The internet created with great potential to move the human mind forward in free and uncensorable discussion, on a level unparalleled before, has turned into a waste land of hate-filled attacks, staticating debates, and of course the ever present spam.
Again we sacrifice beauty (closeness) for self interest and immediate gratification.
I saw a dream once were slowly before my eyes a crowd of human faces and figures, all I could see, all would flicker, and in that flickering their features would become more and more animal-like some how, each animals of some sort different...all changing quickly, as if a strobe light were on them but not so and in each flash they would change and lose more and more of what made them human, and with that, I could feel them, on the inside, less and less of Them were there. Like a piece of their soul would ...go. It felt empty. And it grew quicker and quicker as I sensed time and more time go by, the ages would speed up and it would grow faster eventually the animal faces would build upon animal, layered and layered, and more and more, there was less and less of them there. The humanity buried, gone. Like there was this substance you couldn’t see but could feel was disappearing.
I felt the whole of the human race’s soul disappear. ...In experiencing that, I know I don’t want that to become true.
To hate is easy, to destroy can be fun. Seeping further into the insanity of psychological blindness to hearts that are all around, and hurting.
But what leads us to this? You’d think after awhile... someday...
what we see shocks us awake. Something realizes us out of our reality. Clarity of a clearing of clouds out in front of our minds, when we can no longer deny. Someone is in front of us, feel them with their pain and it becomes ours and we want to shut them out but our senses are so stunned we can’t think, and it stays with us.
Self interest, seeking of truth, the last thing we want is to know we don’t have it. The last thing we care about is anyone else.
That’s what it leads to if you don’t get out of it.
There’s people out there, reach over and touch them.
Feel them more, not with your hand, but with your head and heart.
Let that be the judge for what you need to do.
Maybe you’ll choose to be in the streets, maybe it’ll be you there with me, the next time, locking arms saying we will not move until justice is done, trying to wake the world up. Chanting with the world thundering down around us, doors rattling with protest, fellow human beings trying to get in and join us. The police and world all around. A catalyst for hearts to begin to tie and connect. To the world, to reality.
Who knows...
to each their own way.
-
There just is a time
when you have these certain principles
and you see them being violated,
you know it’s wrong
and you can’t take it anymore,
you have to do something.
cause it’s worth
...trying.
It took me a while to write this, or at least to get the courage to send this to you all. Part of it is that..... I don’t want to impose any views on you. But to just perhaps understand ...something, maybe where I'm coming from, where people like this are coming from, ...maybe everything -the grand scheme ...maybe nothing, ...something... My feelings if nothing else... and to share at least that with you.
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
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4:00 pm
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It?s strange these days
music seems to have a different meaning
the people seem...friendlier, awake to the reality of who we all are
people
individuals
with suffering, loss, joy, sadness, anger, emotions, each their own and unique
each with their own lives, that have shaped and pushed and led them to how and where they are now, each with a past, each with a situation, that we cannot hope to understand
to imagine.... what was going through the mind of that one, those, flying straight into the side of those buildings, watching windows get closer and closer in that quick but silent moment, where all senses fail,
into death, to destruction incarnate, for...
something... something they felt, inside, from what they lived outside, felt so strongly as to possess them and stay... in each moment watching that image of them selves reflected in the mirrors, slowly heading, towards... themselves
we wonder, if we dare to, and perhaps cry if we realize...
and look at the rubble that this world has wrought on us
the smoke fading away into the blue sky
on a clear september day
where the people stand in the streets, all around the world, in disbelief, having reactions entirely unto their own.
current music: St. Etienne - Love Me Sweet
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| Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
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9:46 pm
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you know what I think is sick, the idea of icons to sum up our emotions, everything in a little smily face, of pouty wittle sad faces, like an icon can express all that is in inside of us at the time, that exact time. It is the antithesis of self expression. A world that is cultured into inadequacy in this expression of the self is further enabled with this 'conpensation' of that ignorance and blindness. We are refraned from looking into our selves and attempting to describe it in conscious form of words and to have it and hold it and know it, to search and find what... it is.
Oh here's an icon, :)
hope you get the message.
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9:32 pm - A spectrum of miserable cynicism
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Whoever thought up the concept of relationships was a sick fucker, how many people swim through my mind the image of me being one of them , lost in the swimming spiraling tide amongst them. How many people, victims, and murderers of hearts, torn and squeezed, and pained , crying in the corner in sorrow. how my people bleed, metaphorically and literally in quest for that love, for the pain they feel now, in utter despair life less , squirming, writhing on the floor, some howling -crying -pained, some dead, purely dead. Lifeless as they lie and bleed. Because of all one sick idea. And the beauty we call
Love
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9:11 pm
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9:08 pm - the captures of emotions
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and so I continue in my self destruction, blasting loud music to intensify the anger, to feed the release. Release, freedom, from the...the confusion the frustration that surmounts, and presses down, inside my mind trying to break through, into Clarity... Safety, Comfort.. somewhere I can be who I am, this real being inside of me, the one that has nothing to be afraid of to be worried about the one who isn?t scared of nothing. Scared of Nothing that what I hate, it?s nothing, if I do it right it?s nothing because I can do ity right...if this didn?t happen.
I have nothing to be scared of now because it?s over I fucked up and it?s great, and I then realize how it isn?t over how I have all of tomorrow, and then I realize now typing, I have all of...the whole time I?m here. And then I have nothing, I have no time, no good time at all, in every moment I will fuck it up, and iI will do it perfectly...depending on who I am. who I choose to be, but somehow I feel like I don?t have a choice, I am warring against my subconscious which is the master the true ruler, deciding, whether I Live, or if I die. Here I feel ALIVE, IN THE AFTER MATH IN THE WASTE THAT IS FUTURE PAST, everything...all chance, all life, all opportunity and possibly that could have been because it?;s here now, and I can?t change the present except in that time that has already passed which I have no power over now.
I kill my self you know. in every moment I am like that, nervous, hesitating, with fear and a million questions and distractions and possibilities. i kill myself and it pains me that I am dead that I am not there and this other, is in my place ruining my life, or trying to...
All for what?
I asked myself...protect from harm it said, protecting, myself, I who am not there cannot feel any pain fro it was not me harmed it was not me rejected it was not me that cted, that Was. It was not me who lived. I am protected, from life, from pain. By not living it by not living, I am protected by death, by being denied life. Yet I know I can live.
If I am allowed to I can live the greatest life the world has ever known, the greatest there could be. Ever if I allow to, so what am I protecting my self from , living the greatest life their could be?! That I could have, wehat kind of protection is that!? That is not protection that is denial. That is life and I want to live it.
I want that life I can have., And that feels could...knowing I can have it.
What would feel better is having it.
That life, to have lived it.
To look back 5 years in the future, and seeing that you did. That?s a great feeling.
That I did what I wanted, and lived that life I wanted I truly wanted that way I wanted and how I wanted it...and I didn?t let anything get in my way
--Protect from harm, what is there that this cannot protect from...this is invincible.
This is a god.
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| Friday, June 1st, 2001
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1:18 am
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God damn,now, get this straight I seriously mean this without any of that NLP manipulate bullshit, I know I can't help but sound that way when I say this but...
you ever feel/see/hear something *click* or *snap* inside you and all the sudden everything was right. Not outside of you maybe (though things seemed alot better), but inside you. YOU yourself, that person you call I. You get what I mean right? Just boom or snap or whatever sound affect you imagine and everythings just snapped into place. You are...sane...your real self. And you think, ohmygod, what the fuck have I've been doing all this time before, what the hell was all this...dicken around...or pussy ass shit...or what ever discribes the adverse trend of action you were previously undertaking. That snap happens and then you ...well you are clear but you feel it may flucaute so you think what can I do to keep this going, what do I now want to do to stay in tune with this way of being, so you find something and you do it, keep it up and that feeling, that awakeness dominates and wont let go until the end of the night.
Well as you can guess, I had one of those mometns tonight, but alas it was all to late to be functional. But the interesting thing is that I feel I almost perhaps just maybe brought it on myself consciously, that and they sudden way it happened was the interesting part. And I think...I definitely have to learn this as a precise method.
Cause god damn it feels so good to be this way!!!
And I know what to do to...what do I see in my minds eye, what do I hear, what do I feel, what else feels like this, just everything that is going on inside, find it learn it, know it, do it again.
Anyway yeah...I'm going to Berkeley tomarrow for a few days. no entries until then. Nor any comments to other peoples stuff either (for those anticipating)...ok..ending before my computer crashes....
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| Sunday, May 27th, 2001
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1:25 am
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1:20 am - Ok this one took a little longer...think I'll quit for tonight :)
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We are in the mist of a revolution, a revolution spurned by the emerging technologies in our society today, technology in which cost has been eliminated in the production of images, words, videos, sound and music. And we have come to the point where we are able to ask ourselves, is this right, it is right to pay for something which has no cost to produce, is there right and possession of ideas thought s and concepts. We are free to think what we will sing what we will and draw and feel and create, but are we free to distribute the thoughts and feeling and sounds and words of another? I can get any book I so desire at any near by library for free, is the facilities are well enough. The words an thought and concept and ideas within are allowed free to shared amongst the people without cost nor cares, that is unless you keep them from being further distributed amongst the public. The ultimate spirit of freedom and sharing of creations is embraced in the library system and promoted by the government itself. Yet we are to discontinue this spirit of freedom and sharing when it becomes "too" wide spread, when it becomes "too" efficient and amongst "too" many people and on "too" large a scale. We dreamed of the ultimate library that could hold every book, and distribute an infinite number of copies to any that desired it and we were allowed to hold on to it as long as it took to enjoy it, and doing so would not infringe on any body else's ability to enjoy and lap in the luxury of the idea and feelings and emotions conveyed within. We dreamed of this, and now that it is here upon us ...we quiver in fear?!?! We seek to stomp it out?! And destroy any possibility of any such library ever being achieved?!
But we must ask ourselves is it us that truly desires this or it merely those token few that have the misperception that they will not benefit from it, that are to scared to face and bend to the inevitable change that shall occur, that oppose the passage of time. The revolution that will surely, and inevitably... come.
Technology advances as does man, as does the society that embraces it change itself, in new and unimaginable ways.
This will be a change in our fundamental structure of society by it becoming ground for a change in our fundamental method of thinking, in which we cease to hold money as the ultimate ends and means for production, but that affect which the product has itself, and above all whether we want those affects to occur. [reflection of the environmentalist movement?] In the part of what is happening in the music industry and on the internet, we are saying loud and clear: Yes We Do!
We can be able to find any ill affects in music as we can in poetry, in literature, in information, and images and abound in and represent the world today and all of history behind it.
Shall Beethoven's unfinished, be freed to the ears of all that can hear, the melodies of peaks and rises, that fill our emotions and soul, free to dance in front of every man women and child?s mind?s eye?
Or will such dreams be finished before they are allowed to even begin?
The dreams in My eye, have just begun...
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12:39 am - Daws gets political!
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yeah, I just might...
How about this I pulled out of my ass in less than 5 minutes....
We need to recognize the issue of medical marijuana as the smoke screen it is, a compromise that is distracting us and keeping us from getting what we truly should have and want, complete decriminalization of all marijuana use, akin to that of alcohol and tobacco. It is a smoke screen, not a stepping stone. The data is too ambiguous and will be too slow to be accepted anyway, too slow for our true desires, too slow for our society. We are mocked and laughed at, slyly jeered and joked about by those that think "we know what you truly want it for". And they have every right, for we have given up our strong stance, our firm commitment and waffled and side stepped into this non-issue, this diversionary tactic put forth by perhaps the mere natural order of society, or a vast conspiracy as some may dream, either way we are led astray from our true goal, or primary goal the goal and dream that we have had all along. We do know what we want it for, and we will stop for nothing less on the rule books as we demand nothing less in our hearts. That is: Pure and complete decriminalization of all marijuana use, in the United States of America and the world. For reason calls for nothing less.
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12:23 am
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
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12:03 am - Grandpa died
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I am wallowing in an instinct driven desire for preservation called grieving.
the tears of genetic modification fall from my face.
and I engage in a social signal of my state, by repetition of shallow breathing:
sobs...
current mood:  morose
current music: Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World
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| Sunday, May 20th, 2001
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3:30 am - I was going to put this up last night: Where the hell'd this come from
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the tears ran down her eyes, in that cold open space she wandered in a hurried daze, fanatic in pace, empty in feeling. No. The feeling overwhelmed her...she wanted to be empty. For this pain to go away this stabbing and throbbing at her heart, she hoped it would go numb from the pain, and in her confusion it was as if it did.
She managed to find the door, her hands scurrying through the blur, fumbling to turn the knob. The golden cheap brass turned a slow semi circle, shrilly squeaking in resistance, and the ungreased hinges swung open to reveal the white light of day.
The light that was hinted at through the cold opaque windows inside...she wished it was bright and warm and heavenly, but this cold winter would allow for no such bliss. It was bright...and cold, and everywhere; the same, on the snow packed ground to the liquid gray clouds above that promised nothing but pain and quivering tears as she shook from the cold. Alone with nothing but the horrors that ran through her mind, over and over again with blinding flashes of recollection. The glare stung her eyes, trying to see the way back home from school But she would make it. It was hard, and it was painful .but she would make it. ...whatever that meant.
Yeah I don't know, now this seems more relevant then ever...maybe I was being psychic...
current mood: melancholy
current music: live-lightning crashes
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3:29 am - I was going to put this up last night: Where the hell'd this come from
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the tears ran down her eyes, in that cold open space she wandered in a hurried daze, fanatic in pace, empty in feeling. No. The feeling overwhelmed her...she wanted to be empty. For this pain to go away this stabbing and throbbing at her heart, she hoped it would go numb from the pain, and in her confusion it was as if it did.
She managed to find the door, her hands scurrying through the blur, fumbling to turn the knob. The golden cheap brass turned a slow semi circle, shrilly squeaking in resistance, and the ungreased hinges swung open to reveal the white light of day.
The light that was hinted at through the cold opaque windows inside...she wished it was bright and warm and heavenly, but this cold winter would allow for no such bliss. It was bright...and cold, and everywhere; the same, on the snow packed ground to the liquid gray clouds above that promised nothing but pain and quivering tears as she shook from the cold. Alone with nothing but the horrors that ran through her mind, over and over again with blinding flashes of recollection. The glare stung her eyes, trying to see the way back home from school But she would make it. It was hard, and it was painful .but she would make it. ...whatever that meant.
current mood: melancholy
current music: live-lightning crashes
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3:15 am
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it's at the end of another nigh. I wish I could start this off with something other then that old cliche...but I...well I wont, I'm not making any excuses like I can't or I'm to tired, I just wont, lets leave it at that.
Yeah it's been quite a night, the last night, (the last time...) I'll see Luke and Etsuko, again. And the first night of a few other things. First night I went over to John's place, a friend of Orions, one of his main friends. And the first real night I hung out and got to know Leah, it was interesting, no nothing happened...she's Orion's be-atch. :)
Just you know, one the first times to develop your knowledge about someone. It's always interesting when that happens. And in doing that, it was somewhat of a first for some other things. Last night to see Brooke...(maybe) which I didn't... but anyway...the other firsts...Um...something orion Said to me that made me want to go in the first place... that different route... "I'm tired of them jerking you around daws". Let me first explain..perviously Iwas going to go to some party with Lindsay and Laura, but I went back to my place for a call from Brooke to go to another party. She wanted to do something... see me... before leaving. So while waiting I got the idea that it was getting late and that Lindsay and Laura were probably not going to be around when I got back thus I'd be lost with no directions to where they were going...so in case that happens I I wanted a back up plan and it turned out that Orion and Lia and his brother and Luke and Etsuko, were going to Johns in Arcata. Same town the party was. So I figure hell I could maybe do that as back up, but then somehow it became a choice between the two. So in my whining or explaining that I was supposed to go somewhere with Lindsay and Laura, he said it.
And there, less like a pop and more like a blink came another first...the first time that thought really sunk into me...that I was being dicked around. Mostly I would attribute all the bs to circumstance of time or my own inadequacies, which by now had been reduced to mere nerviousness, which leads to everything else...when I'm in that right mindset, relaxed and sure...I...can do anything...not only do I beleive it but I really can. It's just a matter of a desicion making process.
But there we regress back to, the right, time, the right place, the right me...it's bullshit. Why is it always gotta be on me, why is it always the wrong time ro the wrong place, or something fucking happens. I look back and at those feelings I felt or feel now, and I truly realize the extent of the title "Average Frustrated Chump". 'Oh my god I really am one.' Runs through my head.
It just made me flash back to earlier that day do my intereaction with Lindsay, her lack of conversation making me wait, ordering me around "lets get beer, no lets go to Rachaels".
That really made me see how she was treating me like shit. Fuck you, first you're all over me then it's like this?
It made me look at all the games and crap thats been the real reason I haven't fucked her yet...probably damn good I didn't get in a relationship with her...look what happened to Louis.
Laura too....I'm getting nowhere. Come on wake the fuck up, either you want me or not.
Yeah, I'm just been waken up from all the shit I've been taking.
-The Two Hip Hop Commandments: "Keep It Real", "Don't Front".
I want to say I'm tired from all this, from a lack fo being real, but really I'm just tired of not getting what I want.
So on that... I'll end this bitchen.
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| Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
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4:40 pm - all your base are belong to us
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| Saturday, May 12th, 2001
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2:51 am - I'm such a tease :) OR I can't beleive I sent this off
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It seems every time we run though life, always looking back, with regret and worry about what we have done, we stumble on blindly going off only what have have gone through before, noting the pebbles on the road we have just passed.
Never to we turn around to see what's coming at us, or what is right here now. Trodding on we worry about whether what we do is, right is the best we could have done, and to make sure we keep looking back at the past to analyze and criticize and make sure.
I want you to stop, take notice of this moment now that you see before you, be aware of the feelings now inside you... what you hear.. what you smell, see and feel.
No! Don't imagine... my warm flesh caressing those ample portions of your body that only lovers cares... my warm cool breath teasing the insides and outsides of your gentle ear, rythmically brushing against those most tender parts, as I whisper... unimaginable passions to make you blush a squirm in childish excitement...and anticipation...
...No stop it! you're doing it aren't you? Damn you! in that case you better read this to cool you off. I swear, sometimes you are just so horny...
(proceeding was a self-analysis of my personal statement to Berkeley, think I'll hold off on that until I accept them and they can't take it back :)
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| Friday, May 11th, 2001
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2:15 pm - random thoughts after a birthday
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smashing pumpkins reverberate through my brain along with the memories of the past day. My birthday. Images of laura and lindsay dance in side my head, along with all the other girls whose essences I interacted with...cuties :)
Dan?s gone.
Laura?s leaving. Sooner than I am.
Unless I do something quick, 16 days quick.
We shall part ways anyway, but I don?t want her to leave like this, heart broken by her once best friend...perhaps ever. So many empty holes, everything doesn?t seem to fit, I feel like a meddler. But that?s bullshit these are people intricately connected to me people whose lives I could make better if I do "meddle", that is find out what?s going on, the source of the conflict, the falling appart, and hopefully resolve it.
The moral recalls itself from realms such as the play Our Town, where a town drunk is simply left on his way without intervention because, it?s nobody else?s business. But if people took the time, and showed care for him, they could have saved him from death. And the death of something like this seems to be worse than anything physical, it is a wound that heals slowly if at all...
So here I go, my first mission of 21-ed-ness....I just gotta figure out how...
Ironically I think I need to sleep with Lindsay first.
[warning nonsequitor]
And as we move through the days, in our lives we change, the settings become different in every moment, but there is comfort in knowing, that no matter how it changes, you are safe, not because you know things wont change in certain ways, but that if they do, any way that they do, that thing that constitutes safety is invincible, something inside, something you have here, by it?s nature can?t be taken away that is if you have it...A realization.
Nah, that?s bullshit :) What you need to surface that ability to be competent in all areas that are important to you...ability that we all have, if we just be our true selves, so few realize what that means. Perhaps we think it is what we are like around close friends or even our selves, but often it is not that either, we lie to ourselves perpetuate untrue self-images and the like, no we need to be real, not a role...and with that we need the actually ability the knowledge and strength that can make us able to do what we want to do to achieve happiness, and those are things insides of us, things we have here, that can then never be take away fro ourselves...for they are ourselves.
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| Sunday, May 6th, 2001
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6:30 pm - ...after a hard days rest
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excerpt from a letter I wrote (slightly altered for your reading pleasure):
Thursday night I worked on a paper for my interpersonal communication class, (6 pages!). Didn?t waste anytime, I stayed up all night that night and ended up going to bed at 9:30! Part of it was that I went down in the morning to CR to drop the paper off, but it was 7 when I got there and the place to drop it off at wasn?t open until 8. I had to wait an hour but it was good, I saw the morning mist rise over the pond. I just sat there half reading, half gazing out over the view, deciphering the silhouettes of ducks and Canadian geese that drift through the lazy, gray mist, then with out warning, in a clamor of honks and a whim, take off again... only to re-land in the cool morning waters minutes later. (ut oh, I?m getting in the writing mood :)
The reason for all that? For staying up all night and being an anti-social bastard? I?m going to Berkeley (!!!), found out that day. It?s amazing...I don?t know what to think. It?s literally a dream come true. That place... where the stars are down from the sky, among us,dancing in the widnows of buildings and roads, I?m going there... Something I dreamed of for so long.
I feel like soldier... looking out over the fields of the land he is about to leave, picturing in his mind all the various distant places he is bound to go. Seeing, through the misty fog, glimpses of the future that may be. Picturing himself already there, as if he know what will happen, but in reality he has no idea, for anything could happen, anything that could be conceived in the limits of his mind and more, but one things sure, it will be something new, unlike anything else, different and fantastic, beyond fantasy and imagination... something amazing.
But in order for it to surely happen I need to pass all my classes, and ironically, interpersonal communication is the one that I could possibly not pass, I have a C right now, and that paper was due the next day, to be turned into the box by 12. It was hard, and took forever... but I did it. And it was a good book that I did it on , I wish I could quote it for you to give you a feel... but it left my hands yesterday.
It was called On Listening all about the process of letting yourself be who you really are... where you drop all facades and the games people play in life, where the you just open yourselves up to one another, to be honest... and real... and allow that real love to flow.
Something about that just got to me, don?t you wish you could be in that type of relationship where you could just... let your self go with a person and just... be...and know that you have nothing to fear. With me that?s the ultimate relationship. When you know you?re in love. Real love, not just a desire or want, a longing, those feelings inside that often seem so related to fear and longing... longing for something you don?t have. But real love... a feeling of satisfaction, happiness, comfort and excitement because you have what you want... what creates those feelings you longed for inside you. You have that, and know... that the source of it all is right in front of you. And you often wonder why you didn?t realize it sooner. Or perhaps you did, the thought fluttered in your mind as a supposition, one you never dared to linger on and explore until now. Now... that you have it.
And you can reach over... and touch that person and show him (thank him for ) how much you truly feel. Telling him everything in a simple caress. And he knows...exactly what you mean.
Some people say the world never changes, I don?t agree with that at all, the world?s changing all the time. People move in and out of our lives like thoughts through our minds. We move, learn, see, feel, and grow. And it?s happening all the time, even if we aren?t aware of it, our desires and dreams, change as we see what we really want, as that focus on the thing that?s true, inside sharpens with that feeling of clarity, as we say to our selves, that?s it...that?s what I want. Me, when I imagine that, it?s hardly above a whisper as if in near disbelief that you?ve actually found it. But it?s true, when you realize that, for me it?s undeniable.
And in all this, in all these changes, as you begin to see that it begins to seem futile to hold on to anything, you can?t stop the beat of time, just as you can?t stop the beat of your desire. So go and take this one thing you have, this moment in time, we call now, and make the best of it while it is still here, while you still can have what it is you desire. With me, it?s about what you do before the time slips away, before the chance you can only have now is gone.
For that is life, and we must make the best of it while we can. For imagine if you sat there, and let the moment pass and made nothing at all. Right? So yeah...make the best of it while you can...go and get that which you desire...make it all come true...make it real.
NOW damn it! :)
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